Awakening Aziz Kristof
The Awakening of Aziz Kristof
Guidance sent me to do a solo retreat in South India and predicted the shift to the Absolute for the middle of December. I went to Kerala and started my retreat by the beach. How to reach the Absolute? [Ranjit] Maharaj spoke only about the Absolute as such, but nothing about how to get there!
He was saying that I am already THAT, but for some reason, I was not yet THAT! The intellectual conviction of being THAT does not actually help you become THAT. At that time I wasn't THAT in any way.
Maharaj spoke about the witnessing of I Am. I Am itself is the witness. How could the witness be witnessed? Soon I discovered that whatever gymnastics I made with awareness, I was still locked within this awareness. It was in Pune that I kept demonstrating everyday to Guidance a different realisation, hoping that it was the Absolute. Each time Guidance patiently answered, 'not yet.'
Yes, the only way to go beyond it is to surrender into Being. The key words which pointed in the right direction were: 'no-will' and 'absence.' I sat in absorption and tried various experiments. I contemplated the moment of falling asleep, just trying to recognise the condition of no-will and absence. I discovered that the place where the Absolute lives is at the bottom of the breath. To breakthrough this gate is to move to the Other Side. I was completely desperate! I was full of doubts, anxieties and impatience. It was a very difficult time. All my life seemed to culminate in this retreat. It was the final battle to reach the Absolute.
The shift happened on the 15th day of December 1996 around one in the morning. It was such a relief! I found myself slipping to the Other Side, to the Beyond. This implosion cannot be expressed in words. It was like diving to the bottom of the ocean and piercing through this bottom into the space on the other side. I experienced the absolute freedom.
But the next day the passage closed again! I was so desperate and broken. But in a few days managed to slip into the Absolute State again. I needed to use a very subtle will to reach the condition of no-will. Guidance told me that Maharaj himself did hundreds of such attempts.
On the 31st day of December 1996 I became stabilised in the Absolute. It felt like I had died and I had not been fully reborn. It was a mysterious time. For many lifetimes on the Buddhist Path, in my Soul there was imprinted a deep longing to reach the Unborn, to reach Nirvana. Upon reaching the Absolute State, I completed my Buddhist karma. I had reached complete disidentification and freedom from the apparent reality.
My whole life of search reached culmination. The next few months I was completely absorbed inside, I was without any desire to do anything. The energy needed to settle down and integrate. Contemplating my life, I could see myself sitting in my little room in Poland reading 'I Am THAT' and now already in the Absolute, free at last. At that point I could have said that 'I am THAT,' but it would not have been a precise statement.